oh posh. I need a real boy. To fill my void. This guy has potential. He is a Republican.
***** and i were talking about Republicans today. They are usually the champs of mediocrity but we decided mediocrity is underrated.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
