Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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