You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
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My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
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Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
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