dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
