Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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