I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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