Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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