Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
