Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
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