the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Randomize
