Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
