She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
