Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
