Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
