There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
