Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
