How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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