So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
