This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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