There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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