I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow