do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
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I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
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I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU