My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
