i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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