she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
