So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
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