What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
