I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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