I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
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I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
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There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit