Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
