I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
