genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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