Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
