New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I need water and some morals
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
