I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Randomize