remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
