I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
