I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
