if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
