Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
