She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I stole a fireplace last night.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
