sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
