Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
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She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
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Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
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