it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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