just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
