One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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