You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
