News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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