i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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