i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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