i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Randomize
