i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
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