When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
