I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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