We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
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I need you to use more vowels.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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