He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
